watching salinger…feeling phony…how often relying on the views of others? sometimes, yes, learning to dig in and go with what looks right, and yet still so much depending on the initial approval of the other eye…it’s like myself leaks out, or rather the ideas of the composition, or what is composed of many elements, and my continual search for the mutuality of all encounters, and language being foremost among them, i mean in that the nodes or meeting places are what constitute what we think of as actuality…and where mind ends and begins…and yet this thing about trying to be real and the resistance to phoniness has always been also (well, always, okay, let’s link it to ontwakking and coming alive...coming into consciousness adolescence type appeals) but that whole thing has always been real for me…
so where does this leave me? i feel like in these notebooks i’m forever hammering on about this without resolution…i.e. wanting to once and for all see whether or not i can actually produce something in its totality before showing it to someone else and deciding finally on an ultimate version without alteration…coz even now unsatisfied with anything published and still forever tweaking still on the published page,…continual dissatisfaction…
i seem easy going into the collaborative process at first, sure yea, anything going, encouraging, offering spirit to any creative improvised direction…but then at the end of the process drive my friends to distraction by never being able to finish with the tampering process…on each of the books, in sal and anomalies and freedom each time the ppl saying for goodness sake you’ve got to stop now, and then ending up having to pay my own good money in extra for just one more editorial amendment…can’t seem to let go, tenacious….yes, stubborn, unrelenting…but can’t i be done with that before the manuscript is submitted? can’t i make those choices myself? maybe what salinger did, i.e. not publishing, is the key, coz then you get to keep all the drafts up to the end…
so where does this leave me? i feel like in these notebooks i’m forever hammering on about this without resolution…i.e. wanting to once and for all see whether or not i can actually produce something in its totality before showing it to someone else and deciding finally on an ultimate version without alteration…coz even now unsatisfied with anything published and still forever tweaking still on the published page,…continual dissatisfaction…
i seem easy going into the collaborative process at first, sure yea, anything going, encouraging, offering spirit to any creative improvised direction…but then at the end of the process drive my friends to distraction by never being able to finish with the tampering process…on each of the books, in sal and anomalies and freedom each time the ppl saying for goodness sake you’ve got to stop now, and then ending up having to pay my own good money in extra for just one more editorial amendment…can’t seem to let go, tenacious….yes, stubborn, unrelenting…but can’t i be done with that before the manuscript is submitted? can’t i make those choices myself? maybe what salinger did, i.e. not publishing, is the key, coz then you get to keep all the drafts up to the end…